The Power of Kindness

Hi all

A wee extra blog post this month! This one isn’t book-y, so skip this one if you’re just in for the recommendations! I’m already on book number seven this month so August Reads is set to be pleasingly chunky.

I’ve spent the majority of this month reading books that have been gifted/recommended to me and I’m just back from holiday where I spent time hanging out with old friends and getting a much-needed happy boost so while these thoughts are fresh in my mind, I just wanted to write some personal reflections about the power of kindness. Kindness is something we can all define and (hopefully) have all experienced and I will never be able to explain how much kindness has meant to me as a cancer survivor. So here are some acts of kindness that have meant so much to me. The main thing to know is: cancer is shit. You can‘t change that. But you DO have the power to make it less shit.

Keeping in touch

When you’re diagnosed, the most common message you get is ‘If I can do anything to help, let me know’ and the second most common is ‘I’m sorry I’ve not been in touch, I just didn’t know what to say/do/I wanted to leave you alone and not be in the way’.  In fact, friends, just by sending these messages you are a positive part of the journey.  A good friend gave me the Best Advice Ever to screenshot all messages and read them on my worst days.  I did.  I didn’t respond to them all, but I read and appreciated every single one. On my darkest, best, longest, highest and toughest of days you were there and I can’t begin to thank you enough.

So here are things you can say if you’re stuck: I love you; I’m on your side; You’ve got this.

Safe Questions: next steps, do you have everything you need etc, how’s XXX going.

Social media

Liking/hearting/sharing a post, or writing a comment means so much. I shared a good chunk of my journey on Facebook as I found it helpful and the responses I got were just phenomenal. Survivors:  I also found this helpful to keep friends and family ‘in the loop’ and know what to talk to me about.  Taking about cancer is scary.

Blog

Reading this blog!  I actually started this for myself and I’m amazed anybody reads it. It’s now exploded into a monthly slot of PMs, comments, likes and some excellent book recommendations and late night book chats.  Thank you all ❤

Gifts and cards

OK, so cancer’s really shit but I have to admit receiving gifts – along with chemo-smooth legs –  is definitely not the shabbiest bit. I don’t advocate spending lots of money (and, horribly, there are many many websites who make a business out of over-priced gifts for cancer survivors) or in fact any at all – a message is more than enough to feel loved. I was horribly embarrassed by the mountain of gifts but they were so lovely to get.  If you’d like to send a gift, then here are some suggestions:

• Flowers/a plant – preferably easy to care for and if you’re sending flowers, consider sending them a couple of months in.  I pleasingly had more flowers than vases at the start of my diagnosis.
• Comfies – a cancer survivor spends a lot of time in bed/on the sofa so anything comfy or practical to help with sleep or being in a propped up position is just great: pyjamas, sleep masks, those grabby things so you don’t have to move off the sofa (great for post-surgery), anything comfy at all.
• Smellies – Don’t worry too much about dos and don’ts here – I switched between being able to smell nothing, normally then too much so often that it’s way too hard to predict.  I could write a Whole Post about how bad chemo farts are but I’ll leave that one for now. Candles, soap etc are all lovely to get. 
• Wee pick-me-ups – bookmarks, a window hanging, a mug, tasties, bright tights. Anything that makes them remember you are there.  I still wear my FUCK CANCER socks – thanks, sis.
• Chemo activities – chemo is So Boring. A typical session took me about 2-3 hours so wee activities were great.  Puzzles, colouring in books, a wee crochet project and a recommendation to watch on iPlayer were my activities of choice.

Gifts that cost nothing (but mean the world)

• Do Not underestimate the power of a hug, a squeeze or a smile.
• Books, film and TV recommendations – being stuck on the sofa is Really Boring.
• Videos, memes, photos – anything that says ‘saw this and thought of you’
• Social media accounts/websites to follow – Round Animals, People Selling Mirrors, Big Cat Sightings in Scotland, Angry People in Local Newspapers are my personal faves.
• Tell them they’re a badass – don’t underestimate the power of a compliment! It’s often more powerful than sympathy.

Practical things

Some things to offer to help out with (if you can):

• Lifts to appointments.
• Food – stick with long-life or freezable food. It’s impossible to predict what you can and can’t stomach on particular days but food that can be eaten hot or cold, or separated is great. Tomato soup, mince and tatties, Bolognese (with veggies grated in rather than chunky), pre-prepared jelly, frozen fruit are all great.
• Shopping!
• Washing (lifting my arm above my head/behind my back took months of stretches)
• Encouragement to reach out to professionals. Signs of infection are pretty much the only emergency – hammer that home! GPs are amazingly responsive and cancer patients should also have a link nurse and a cancer care line to call at any time. Being reminded of that is important to those of us *cough cough* who don’t want to ask for help.
• Look after their families. Al didn‘t leave my side unless forced. Families go through this as much as the survivor does. They are not ok – take them out for coffee, to the park, check in.

Visits

Visiting someone you love going through treatment can be hard.  Don’t worry about being emotional; it shows you care.  I had treatment through lockdown when visits were a no-no but I would have loved to have someone just sit and watch telly with me for a bit or bring their dog, child to visit or just blether.  Having cancer can make the world quite small.  If you want to take food/do dishes too that’s great but knowing what you need with chemo fog is pretty tough – a wee ‘what can I pick up on the way’ message is great.  

That’s the end of my thoughts for today! If you’re reading this, know that I appreciate you all so much; more than I can ever articulate.

Kindness is powerful. So powerful it can make the devastation of cancer bearable. Thank you all for yours.